


What The Fuck Is DaveKat?

by Blue_ii, Lady_Anonymia



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Inspired by Roleplay/Roleplay Adaptation, Insults, Kanaya Acting Like A Mom, Kanaya Maryam/Karkat Vantas Moirallegiance, Karkat Swearing, M/M, Minor Sollux Captor/Feferi Peixes, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Sollux Is Sort Of A Dick, Sollux with a Lisp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 20:46:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10544074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_ii/pseuds/Blue_ii, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Anonymia/pseuds/Lady_Anonymia
Summary: Karkat wants to know what DaveKat is, and Kanaya's not letting him get away that easily.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a roleplay with my lovely friend Blue_ii. I added her as a co-author this time because the entire conversation between us was copied and minutely modified.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \-- 

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS DAVEKAT? IS THAT SOME WEIRD EARTH ANIMAL?

GA: Its A Popular Romantic Pairing Between You And Dave Karkat

CG: FUCK OFF.

CG: AND BY FUCK OFF, I MEAN TURN YOUR ASS AROUND AND FUCK OFF BACK HERE AND EXPLAIN THIS.

CG: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

GA: You Should Know This I Think

GA: With How Much Time You Spend Reading Fanfiction

CG: FANFICTION? I DON’T READ THAT FILTH. I’M NOT SOME ROMANCE-DESPERATE CHUMP LOOKING FOR A FIX.

GA: Karkat Last Week You Asked Sollux To Delete Your Internet History

GA: And He And I Discussed It Over Tea

GA: It Was Quite Amusing Overall

GA: Although I Admit The Lateness Of Many Of Your “Binge-Readings” Has Me Concerned About How Much Sleep Youre Getting

CG: WHAT IN THE SWEET ALMIGHTY TAINT-CHAFING FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU WITHERING MOTOR RINK FOR SOCIETY'S DOWNFALL.

CG: I DON’T READ THAT GORGEOUS FACE OF LITERATURE CALLED FANFICTION IF THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE IMPLYING, YOU MOUTAIN LICKING FUCK.

GA: Once Again Youre Using Insults to Poorly Mask Your Feelings

CG: I DON’T HAVE FEELINGS, YOU ALCHEMIST-SNIFFING GLOB. ALL I HAVE IS PURE UNDILUTED LEADERNESS WHICH EXPANDS MY BRAIN IN SUCH A MANNER THAT FANFICTION IS BEYOND EVEN MY SPHERE OF INTELLECTUAL INTEREST.

CG: I’M BASICALLY GOD.

GA: Karkat I Have No Problem With You Reading Fanfiction

GA: I Dont Believe Sollux Does Either

GA: Although He Ridiculed You A Fair Amount Because Of Your Search Terms

GA: I Would Also Like To Point Out That Your Misspelling Of Mountain Undermined Your Insult

CG: FUCK YOU, BY THE WAY. MOUNTAIN IS A BID FUCKING WORD, YOU LIZARD BLOODED FUCK IT’S HARD TO SPELL

GA: *Big

GA: Your Leaderness Doesn't Seem To Extend To The Trashy Romance Novels You Insist On Reading And Recommending To Everyone

CG: LOOK YOUR GRUB-GUSHING BITCH

GA: *You

CG: THY AREN’T TRASHY THEY’RE FINE FUCKING LITERATURE

GA: *They

GA: Your Typing Seems To Be Inhibited

GA: Are You Alright Karkat

GA: Please Stay Away From That Liquid That Rose Insists On Imbibing So Heavily

GA: Or Perhaps The Sopor That Gamzee Insists On Imbibing So Heavily

CG: LOOK I’M NOT THAT PURPLE BLOODED VACUOUS GRUB-FISTED STOMACHFUCK.

CG: THIS KEYBOARD IS SIMPLY TOO TING FOR MY LARGE AND LEADERLY HANDS.

GA: *Tiny

CG: FUCK

GA: I Really Think You Need Help

GA: I Would Ask Dave As He Seems To Be The Only Person Able To Have A Reasonable Conversation With You Recently

GA: But Youve Been Particularly

GA: Volatile

GA: Around Him As Of Late

CG: DAVE? DO YOU MEAN THAT IMBECILIC HORSE-SMELLING SHIT-MONGERER WITH THE OBNOXIOUS DARKENED SPECTACLES?

GA: Obviously Although I Wouldnt Describe Him Like That

GA: I Really Dont Understand What You Have Against Him

GA: Whatever Is Going On With You Two Should Be Resolved As Quickly As Possible

CG: I DON’T HAVE A "THING" FOR OR WITH HIM ,YOU BILE-SPEWING SLUG.

GA: What

GA: That Came Out Of Nowhere

GA: You Are The Only Person In This Conversation Who Has Suggested That You Have A Thing For Dave

GA: I Simply Observed Your Attitude Around Him

CG: NOW YOU’RE JUST MAKING UP COMPLETE CRAP

CG: I DON’T LIKE HIM

CG: AT ALL

CG: I HATE HIM AND HIS HAIR AND HIS GLASSES AND HIS AFFINITY FOR HUMAN BREASTS

CG: THE FUCK MAN

CG: YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE OF MY SUPERIOR LITERARY TASTE

GA: Karkat This Conversation Has Strayed Away From Your Questionably Graphic Literary Choice For Good Reason

GA: I Feel As Though I Should Inform You

GA: That No One Would Care If You Were Red For Dave

GA: Except For You Apparently

CG: STOP TRYING TO TWIST MY WORDS TO YOUR SICK MEANS, YOU PUTRID SMELLING ASSGRAB

GA: Karkat As Your Moirail I Feel As Though An Honest Conversation Between Us Would Benefit Our Relationship

CG: "Karkat As Your Moirail I Feel As Though An Honest Conversation Between Us Would Benefit Our Relationship" BLAH-DE-FUCKING-BLAH

CG: I AM BEING HONEST

CG: I DON’T LIKE FANFICTION

CG: AND I DON’T LIKE DAVE.

CG: H-O-N-E-S-T

CG: LOOK, I EVEN SPELLED IT OUT FOR YOU, YOU NOOK-SCRATCHING GARBAGE

GA: I Am Feeling Very Attacked Right Now Karkat

GA: Just Because You Are Obviously Extremely Emotionally Confused Right Now

GA: Doesnt Mean You Need To Take It Out On Me

CG: FUCKING EXCUSE MY DISRUPTIVE ASS THEN

CG:I CAN’T HELP BUT BE THROWN INTO A RAGING, PITCHING OCEAN OF ANGER WHEN PEOPLE QUESTION NOT ONLY MY READING BUT ALSO MY ROMANTIC INTENTIONS

GA: All You Have To Do Is Explain The Latent Sexual Tension Thats Surrounded You And Dave Lately

CG: WHAT SEXUAL TENSION

CG: THERE IS NO SEXUAL TENSION

CG: I AM THE LEAST SEXUALLY TENSE FUCKER TO HAVE EVER FUCKED A MOTHERFUCKER

GA: Karkat Do I Need To Bring In Someone As A Source To Verify That This Sexual Tension Exists

GA: I Will Not Hesitate To Resort To That If The Need Arises

CG: YOU WOULDN’T.

\-- twinArmageddons [TA]  began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] and carcinoGeneticist [CG]  \--

TA: kk iit'2 me calm the fuck down

TA: kan 2ay2 youre beiing a diick

TA: 2o 2top

CG: I’M NOT BEING A PHALLIC INSTRUMENT OR WHATEVER THE FUCK.

CG: I’M BEING ATTACKED.

CG: YOU HAVE MY DEEPEST FUCKING APOLOGIES FOR MY DEFENSIVE BEHAVIOR, AFTER YOU AND KANAYA FUCKED AROUND IN MY INTERNET HISTORY.

CG: I REALLY AM SO, SO SORRY.

TA: 2hut up for liike two 2econd2

TA: ii don’t really care what happened before thii2 convo between you and me

TA: even though the iinternet hii2tory thiing wa2 really funny

TA: but kan told me what2 up and ii 2orta agree???

TA: liike you’ve been really angry lately

TA: more than u2ual

TA: and iit’2 mostly at dave

TA: ii dont know what that mean2 for your emotiional health or whatever 2hiit but

CG: MM.

CG: MMMM.

CG: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

CG: I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS ANYMORE WITH YOU.

CG: TWO HEADED GRUB BITCH.

TA: ok well kan and ii are gonna hang out iin the liibrary

TA: iif youre feeliing liike le22 of an a22hole come 2ay hii

TA: TA 2iigniing off

CG: WHATEVER.

CG: YOU NOOK-SUCKING BOWL OF OVERFLOWING STUPIDITY.

GA: I Will Exit As Well

GA: Goodbye Karkat

GA: Feel Free To Come Talk To Us About Any Feelings Youre Experiencing

CG: FINE, WHATEVER. I DON’T CARE.

CG: I’M NOT HURT AT FUCKING ALL, YOU DIRT-EATING WORMHOLE OF SHRINKING BRAIN MASS.

CG: I DON’T NEED ANY OF YOU.

CG: I’LL JUST READ FANFICTION.

CG: BECAUSE HAHA, I FUCKING LIED.

CG: JUST KIDDING GUYS REALLY HAHA FUNNY JOKE LEAVING ME HERE ALONE

CG: COME ON, GUYS, I WAS JOKING.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

CG: sorry.

CG: come back maybe?

CG: i did admit to it.

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

GA: Sollux Told You We Were In The Library  


GA: Do You Need A Hug  


CG: you can if you want.  


CG: i mean.  


CG: YOU CAN IF YOU WANT.  


GA: ...

GA: Do You Want A Hug

CG: ...

GA: ...

CG: ...

CG: YES

CG: GOD, THAT’S HUMILIATING.  


CG: THE SELF-LOATHING STEMMING FROM ONLY THAT ONE WORD HAS SURPASSED EVEN MY EXPECTATIONS.  


CG: GREAT FUCKING JOB, ME, WELL DONE AS ALWAYS.  


GA: Alright Well We Are Here  


GA: I Cant Guarantee Sollux Will Hug You  


GA: But I Would Be Happy To  


\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

GA: Karkat Its Been At Least Fifteen Minutes

GA: Have You Decided Against The Hug

CG: YES

CG: NO

CG: FUCK

CG: DON’T TELL SOLLUX BUT I THINK I’M INTO THAT SNUGALSS-WEARING DIPSHIT

CG: REDROM

CG: *SUNGLASSES

CG: FUCK

CG: IT’S NOT A SERIOUS THING.

CG: IT’S LIKE A POSSIBILITY. AN UNCERTAINTY.

\-- twinArmageddons [TA]  began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] and carcinoGeneticist [CG]  \--

TA: eheheheheheheh  


TA: ii can read thii2 conver2atiion dumba22  


TA: kan and ii already knew you were hot for dave  


GA: Sollux Stop That  


CG: THE HELL, MAN.  


CG: DON’T FUCKING SPOIL MY CONFESSION YOU ASS-SUCKING PIPETTE.  


GA: Don't Listen To Him Karkat  


GA: I Am Glad You Have Finally Confronted Your Feelings About Dave  


CG: NOT CONFRONTING MY FEELINGS.  


CG: IT'S HYPO-FUCKING-THETICAL.  


CG: AS IF I COULD FEEL ANY POSITIVE EMOTIONS ON THAT TIGHT-ASSED FLAWLESS GOD OF A PRICK CALLED DAVE  


GA: I Do Not Want To Give You Any Advice Or Anything  


GA: But Nepeta Could Probably Help You With Redrom Advice Especially If It Is Hypothetical  


TA: are we ju2t gonna pretend kk diidnt call dave flawle22 just now  


GA: Yes Shut Up Sollux  


TA: 2orry kan  


CG: EXCUSE ME AS I GO FIND A HOUSE TO JUMP OFF OF, TAKING MY TOWERING BLIMP OF EMOTIONAL DENIAL WITH ME AS I PLUMER TO MY UNTIMELY DEMISE.  


GA: *Plummet  


TA: niice catch kan  


CG: DID I ASK  


CG: POINT OUT WHERE I ASKED YOU TO OBSESSIVELY CORRECT ANY SPELLING ERRORS I MAKE.  


GA: I Apologize Spelling Errors Are Something Of A Pet Peeve Of Mine  


GA: Whenever I See One I Feel The Need To Correct It  


GA: Please Continue Speaking  


GA: Typing I Guess  


CG: I SPOKE TO THE GOD OF HEART-THROBBING POWER WHOSE MORTAL NAME IS DAVE YESTERDAY.  


GA: Well Now Youre Just Being Overdramatic  


TA: when ii2 he not overdramatiic  


CG: IT WAS AWEFUL  


CG: HAVE MERCY ON THE SNOT-NIBBLING MAGGOT OF MY FORMER SHELL AND END ME.  


GA: *Awful  


CG: SCREW YOU  


TA: ii thought you wanted two 2crew dave  


GA: Sollux Please Refrain From Such Coarse Humor During Such A Serious Time  


GA: Karkat Is Struggling To Reveal His Inner Psyche To Us  


GA: We Should Be Respectful  


TA: 2orry kan ii 2aw an opportuniity and ii had two take iit  


CG: "ii 2aw an opportuniity and ii had two take iit" WHAT-FUCKING-EVER  


CG: I’M STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE ANYTHING YOU 2-D SNIFFING SPIKE HOLDER.  


TA: liike dave’2 diick  


GA: Karkat I Will Admit You Invited That One But That Does Not Excuse Your Behavior Sollux  


TA: that wa2 2uch a giiveaway  


TA: ii am the ma2ter of iinuendo  


CG: SUCK MY ASS YOU ASS-SUCKING DICK  


CG: HA

CG: TAKE THAT  


TA: that2 what he 2aiid  


CG: THAT’S NOT WHAT HE SAID, FUCK YOU.  


TA: iit 2ort of ii2 tho  


GA: Karkat Please Continue With Your Story  


CG: KANAYA MAKE HIM STOP  


CG: I’M ABOUT TO RELEASE ALL OF MY LEADERLY ANGER ON HIS FRAGILE BIPOLAR NERD ASS  


GA: I Am Afraid That I Couldn't Stop Sollux Unless I Wanted To Terminate My Connection With You  


GA: As You Know Connection Is Bad Here And Sollux Has Been Helping To Maintain It  


GA: Any Reprimanding Of Him Will Have To Wait Until You Come Talk To Me Face-To-Face  


GA: Which I Am Beginning To Believe You Have No Intention Of Doing  


TA: ehehehehe iim untouchable  


CG: I’M GOING TO TOUCH MY FIST TO YOUR GLORB-SUCKING FACE YOU FISH-KISSING BASTARD.  


TA: whoa you don’t need two come after fef liike that  


GA: I Agree Bringing A Sweetheart Like Feferi Into This Conversation Is Somewhat Underhanded 

GA: Especially Considering She Was Not Previously Mentioned  


CG: I DIDN’T BRING HER INTO THIS  


CG: I WAS REFERRING TO A GENERIC ORGANISM WITH GILLS THAT LIVES IN BODIES OF WATER  


CG: ARGH I FORGOT YOU WERE REDROM WITH HER  


CG: FUCK  


CG: THE ONE TIME I DON’T MEAN TO INSULT SOMEONE  


GA: Well At Least It Was Unintentional  


CG: I’M GOING TO GO SHOWER IN THE JUICE OF MY EYES  


TA: have fun you fuckiin iidiiot  


GA: Please Contact Me Again Soon Karkat  


GA: I Worry  


TA: ii dont otherwii2e iid alway2 be worryiing  


TA: don’t worry about iit kan  


TA: later kk  


CG: BYE FUCKER  


CG: SEE YOU KANAYA.  


**Author's Note:**

> I know some of the characterization is a little off, as well as some of the concepts (troll romance vs. human romance) but I wanted the roleplay to be as unedited as possible so you could read it in all its ugly glory.  
> Also, formatting took forever (´。＿。) My fingers are so tired.  
> Tell me who you thought was the best characterized! I (or Blue) can hopefully RP as them again and make another one of these things.  
> Thanks for reading and (as always) I hope you enjoyed the story!


End file.
